I took this picture on the grounds of the Frick Gallery in Pittsburgh. These trees are 906 miles away, or 14 hours & 42 minutes of driving time. What a miracle it is to be able to travel so far in such a short amount of time.
Today I spent a good amount of time writing & editing poetry to flesh out the print version of Psalms. I started this strange journey by self-publishing the digital version in a rush, thinking that it was possible I might not live for very long, and that I wanted to leave something behind. Now that I'm living, and surviving and starting even to thrive--I'm spending time, precious time!--on making the print version the best possible work that I can produce.
I made a "hit list" of those figures in the US who are most antagonistic to basic LGBTQ rights--whether that be our ability to have books with characters like us in school libraries, get to play on the sports team that aligns with out gender identity or, strangely enough, even the basic right of marriage. Yes, that's still being contested, and in my "home" state of Virginia no less. I started writing poetry that was full of venom and vitriol, setting about the business of "bullying the bullies right back" and I did not flinch away from getting down in the muck with these people.
It was a rush! I enjoyed the process, and the poetry flowed with strange ease. Then of course, my nightly reading (Real Magic by Wayne W Dyer) makes me feel that all of that poetry--is harm inflicted on myself. From page 71:
"To move past anger and bitterness, in your mind isolate one person such as you feel has wronged you at some time in your life...Now, just for a few moments, instead of feeling hate and bitterness, try to imagine yourself sending them love. Try to grasp the idea that they came into your life to help you learn a lesson and no matter how painful the lesson, they showed up in your life for a purpose. When you are able to send them love instead of hate, you will not only be healing yourself, you will be on your way to becoming a spiritual person."
Right? This continues on page 72:
"Think of a wrong that was done to you as being like a snake bite. When you are bitten by a snake there are two sources of pain. One is the bite itself, which cannot be unbitten...The second source of pain is the venom that is now circulating through you."
"You, and only you, have the power to send that killer venom out of you; that it is still present within you is your choice. Remember the sage words of Buddha, "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger." Miracle making is impossible to experience when your insides are poisoned by bitterness toward others."
The bold is mine, by the way. I do want to make miracles in my life, to live everyday with a sense of awe. Part of this journey has been to remind myself that I am surrounded by beautiful & amazing experiences, and to open my eyes to the light & joy that exists all around me. Am I closing myself off to my budding ability to experience the miracle of life fully by allowing myself to fill with venom, even if it's being put to the use of fighting for queer rights? These people who I am attacking are vicious, vile & venomous themselves--otherwise, I wouldn't be enjoying the process of writing poetry that tears them apart. I acknowledged that what I was doing was getting down on their level--but excused it by thinking--I'll do this so the rest of the community doesn't have to. Everyone else can rise above them because I'll be lowering myself to meet them.
It feels good, it feels right, but am I deluding myself? Isn't it better to reject my desire to attack back, and instead try to write something that pulls these Antagonists closer rather then push them farther away? It feels like it would be a wasted effort to try to make these people see queer folx as deserving of the basic rights they seem so intent on writing legislation to deny us...but there's something larger than the squabbles, and it's looming over us all, isn't it?
Not the war that's developing in Ukraine, but the larger war that's coming to all humans on the planet. When the climate change we've long been warned of starts to impact every single one of us. In those days, in that time--it will be impossible for us to move forward, to survive, if we are still squabbling with each other. Is it possible to be able to work side by side with these people to save ourselves, to save our planet? This dire future isn't so far off as people would like to think--the time is coming when we will need a Gargantuan solution to the Gargantuan problem we will face--this is something I heard from Ayad and that I feel, deep in my bones, to be true.
So, I feel like I have a choice: be a part of the unification of Americans across all our various ideologies, genders, orientations, etc etc etc or be a part of the forces that continue to sow division. Just because these people I want so badly to viciously maul with words have chosen division and enemy-making, doesn't mean that I have to as well. Or am I dramatizing this moment too much, leaning too heavily into my own desire to be a "good" person rather than an "effective" person?
At the end of the day--I want to be on the "right" side of history. I think that in my heart, I secretly know what that side is, and how to make sure I am on it.
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