Runnin'

    This morning, well, in about 7 hours or so, we're going to "wake up" & ditch this shitty AirBnb. No shower? SEE YA. "It's dangerous to park on the street"? SEE YA. Bugs in my bedroom? SEE YA. Delightful Chinese Man? OK, Him I will miss. The smell of fried fish that's pervasive throughout the house? Not so much. So I'm a stupid bitch, what else is knew. Listen, I'm out, I've already made up my mind, so tomorrow morning as soon as the Red Truck unblocks Betty White (my vehicle) I am going to drive to downtown Detroit, get myself a coffee, wait for the public library to open & then explore & take pictures. Then Betty & I are OUT.

    My tarot card for the day is 4 of cups reversed. That represents boredom, taking things for granted & aloofness. True, true & true. I AM getting bored of my Disaster Road Trip. Yes, I embarked on this journey to save my life, but now that I've saved my life, I'm bored of my life. The card meaning reads "In your search for something meaningful, you have perhaps been lead to ignore the potential happiness that is given to you. So much inner focus has made you lose your way & you have begun to deny the wonders that the world offers. Find Balance. You must look both inward & out."

    So, this is me looking outward. Sort of. I don't precisely enjoy the fact that I'm being a Queen B Diva about this AirBnb, but also, I have a certain standard that I don't think is that outrageous. No fish smell, no constant noises, no bugs, a working shower--these are some of my must haves. BUT I also came to Detroit because I thought, I believed there was a reason for me to be here. By up & runnin', like I'm about to do (To Iowa City, of all places???) then I'm either denying the reason I've been sent here, OR this is the reason I was sent here. To realize it's not going to be all joy & jellybeans, that this journey is going to throw some shit my way. My choices were to accept the situation & make the best of it, or run. I'm choosing to run--that's the choice I always make, isn't it? So, I am about to find out, I guess, whether or not I am making the right choice or the wrong one.

    I haven't meditated since Providence. That's not great. I also haven't written seriously since then either. Why? What's going on with me?

    I randomly opened the Bible app on my phone & today's verse is Proverbs 12:24, "The hand of the diligent shall bear rule, but the slothful shall be under tribute." FUCKING YIKES, RIGHT? Well, that's the KJV version, but the rest are pretty similar:

Proverbs 12:24 — The New International Version (NIV)

24 Diligent hands will rule,
but laziness ends in forced labor.

Proverbs 12:24 — New Living Translation (NLT)

24 Work hard and become a leader;
be lazy and become a slave.

Proverbs 12:24 — The New King James Version (NKJV)

24 The hand of the diligent will rule,
But the lazy man will be put to forced labor.

Proverbs 12:24 — New Century Version (NCV)

24 Hard workers will become leaders,
but those who are lazy will be slaves.

    There are even MORE versions of the bible, but suffice to say--I've been lazy, and that's going to lead to me being a slave. That's in direct contrast to the Rumi quote that took my breath away the other day.

    On the bright side--I still have my sobriety, although that was sorely tested yesterday--as soon as I entered the state of Michigan it was one billboard after another being like "Recreational & Medicinal! Come Get Stoned!" and boy was my mouth watering at the thought. Perhaps that's the real reason I'm running, because I'm afraid if I stay that I'll get high? 

    

    I suppose the first thing I need to do is focus on finding the balance that I'm missing. Between meditation & working, between staying & running, between hope & fear. I won't run down the long list of dichotomies, but suffice to say: I have my work cut out for me. 

  

     So, wish me luck, non-existent readership! Cause come hell or high water, I'm getting the FUCK out of here tomorrow. I've fought hard to get away from an awful situation & a very stupid version of myself that was achieving nothing & losing everything. I'm not going back to who I was & I'm going to keep moving forward--there's something better for me waiting ahead, I feel that to be true. I won't get there high though, and I won't get there if I drench myself in pity & light the match. So yeah, screw Detroit, mama's hitting the road tomorrow, or rather, later today.