Howl

    As I tend to do when things get bleak, I re-watched Howl's Moving Castle last night. As usual, I laughed, I cried & I felt better for the whole experience. I used to fight hard against how deeply I feel my emotions, but now it's a part of myself that I wouldn't give up for anything. Yes, I've seen this movie a thousand times, but it still touches me. 

    Like Sophie, I was attacked by my very own Witch of the Waste, who's heart had been eaten by a demon of greed. This person shrunk me down & made me feel very old. Now, I'm on my own quest to break the curse I've fallen under & it hasn't been easy. The first & hardest thing I had to do was leave home, yes, very bildungsroman (a novel dealing with one person's formative years or spiritual education) and sacrifice something that I thought was very important to me (drugs) & while I've been sober now for weeks (a victory!) I'm struggling through a strange new jungle trying to avoid the quicksand. 

    Last night, I made the promise to myself that I wouldn't just try to do good things with my life, but be a force for good. The difference being that doing good means seeking out individual actions while being a force for good involves small, conscious, every day actions/behaviors/speech/thoughts that guides how you live every day. Being a force for good means smiling at every cashier, being respectful to elders, but also taking care of myself: eating meals again, showering regularly, taking care of myself is as important as taking care of others. This point was hammered home when Howl wouldn't get out of bed because in his words "If I can't be beautiful, then what's the point of living?" 

    For me, the selfish reason I've held myself back from the world was "If I can't be famous/beloved, what's the point of living?" That's silly, the only way I can be known or even loved is if I take the risky step of putting myself out in the world & actually enduring the mortifying ordeal of being perceived. I don't want to be famous anymore--that road leads to dragons that I'm nowhere near ready to attempt to tame. I would, however, like to read other's poetry & have them read mine in return. I do want to meet interesting, creative, kind people. Maybe I can help someone on their own road, even if it's just by making smile at how much joy I find in the little things. I thought I might be the flamboyant Howl, but there's an equally good chance I'm Turnip-Head the Scarecrow, who was also bouncing around trying to escape the spell he was under. 

    It's not necessary for me to "cast" myself in any of these roles, but it is extremely enjoyable. I try on the different characters like different outfits to see which one helps me see myself better. Before last night, I was positive I was Sophie--a young person living like an old person, so much so that when the Witch curses her making her age to an 80 year old woman, Sophie says "Well, at least my clothes suit me now." Meaning--she had long dressed herself and seen herself as a "grandma" type--which I very much vibe with. I call myself "Nana" all the time, and while I love that about myself (why would I say no to a blanket & a book?) I do get that I'm actually a 33 year old man who doesn't have to pigeonhole himself into the life of a spinster. 

    Diana Wynne Jones, who wrote the novel Howl's Moving Castle passed away in 2011, so I can't write her to let her know how much she changed my life with her book & how much I appreciate what she put into the world. I recently did that with Dawn Potter, I just dropped out of the blue into her blog & reached out and she responded! That's the first time I've ever reached out to an author & had them reply. Previously I had reached out to Tom & Lorenzo who wrote Legendary Children, but they didn't respond--which I don't blame them for--I am nobody. I'm just starting out on my journey & I genuinely have no idea where it's going to take me. No one owes me anything, especially not when I have nothing to offer in return.

    Tonight, I will be reading (hopefully!) at least one of my poems but possibly two if there's time. That's going to be scary, but if Sophie can put on her best hat & march into the palace to demand Madame Suliman leave Howl alone & while she's add it, put an end to the violence of her meaningless war--then I can get up in front of 50 odd Providence residents & read some poetry.